Just such a failure
This post is not really about care-giving, and the struggles involved. Well, not completely. You see, I have some hobbies, and I am trying to really develop them, but I have gotten frustrated and am feeling like a failure in that avenue of late.
Sure, part of it is probably related to my frustration about how little time I have been able to spend working on my hobbies because of my caregiver status, and because I am the only person in the entire house who isn't currently in school (remember, S is in PA school). But I would say that most of my frustration is that I have taken on hobbies that education for improving those hobbies is scarce. And also because I just don't have anyone truly knowledgeable about them who I can turn to when my knowledge is lacking.
I really want to learn, and become good at it, maybe even a pro or expert. I can see the possibility of future side money in it if I get better at it. But getting there has caused me to even withhold engaging in those hobbies, because of how much of a failure I have felt lately. Let me introduce you to the lineup.
I really like buying things for super cheap that either don't work or work just okay, and fix them up and get them back into service. I have been extremely successful with this, including an air compressor, a pressure washer, a corded drill, a circular saw, a riding lawn mower, two push-mowers, a 4-wheeler, a table saw, and a propane grill. I also recently disassembled, cleaned and rebuilt a bench grinder (it worked, but had been smoked around and needed extensive cleaning). I recently got a small outboard motor that I hope to add to my boat when I get it running reliably. I also recently got a pretty good sized chainsaw so I no longer have to borrow a neighbor's. I will come back to these in a bit.
I really like Halloween, and I have even began making my own special effects. I have made a grill-monster, which opens and closes by itself , breathes smoke, has glowing red eyes, which open, close, dilate, and contract, and it makes growling noises. I combined all of those effects into one Raspberry Pi, and I wrote the code for the program itself, with pressure plate and motion sensors. I located plans online for controlling the pneumatic cylinder in a way that is useful to the prop, and built an interface device that is known as a 'Haunt Air Manager' (or HAM), which included re-purposing old green propane cylinders among other things. I have made a haunted maze in my garage for the last 3 years, and I am sure the local teens will be looking forward to that in just a few weeks.
I have a sailboat, that is extremely unique, and very versatile. I have big plans for it.
But first, there are some significant hurdles to get past in all of these hobbies (and more). Let's start with the freshest problem. I have surgery just a week before Halloween, so I won't be doing any of the usual Halloween activities this year. I feel like I am letting our local teenagers and other daring youths and adults down. And then the cast-iron lid of the grill-monster has cracks at the hinges from being opened too forceful by the pneumatic cylinder, so I can't continue using it. The opening and closing of the eyes still doesn't work correctly. I have been given advice on how to fix that, but just haven't gotten started with it. The program needs some tweaks, and I am also not satisfied with how the hardware is all set up underneath the grill. I really don't think I can fix the cracks in the lid, so I will have to start with a new grill, which I could reinforce in advance, or scrap it entirely.
Also, some of the other Halloween special effects that I would like to create/combine have proven to be a bit out of reach for my knowledge level.
The boat is as awesome as it has always been, but I broke something on it the last time I used it, and it is just a few months out of warranty. To just replace the part would be $350, which is outrageous, but I have been struggling with getting a claim through a warranty extension. Also, I want to build an outboard motor mount for my sail boat (it doesn't come with one), but I am worried about over-stressing the boat and tearing holes in it (rotomolded plastic), and I also don't know how to weld, so I need to learn that. I also don't have a welder, which clearly doesn't help. I bought new anchors for the boat, but still haven't finished splicing the rope together, or installing the anchor trolley that I bought for the anchors. I still don't have a sea anchor, though, so I can only hold the boat in one place as long as it isn't too deep.
I want to use the boat for on-water camping, but I still haven't figured out the best set-up for that, and when we tried that earlier this year, I just couldn't trust it so we just camped on the lakeside. I also still don't have many of the safety devices and other equipment that I should have if I want to use it for a long trip or in the ocean. I am just not where I want to be with that.
The outboard motor I bought for the boat is an old 1949 boat motor, and almost none of the parts can be replaced. It runs, but not reliably, and it was leaking fuel from all of the fittings in the carburetor until recently. I had already rebuilt the carburetor and cleaned and regreased everything, so I just couldn't understand why it wasn't running reliably still. Also, I don't know how to adjust the fuel screws properly, since it only has two screws, one being the idle screw, whereas other carburetors have a low, high, and idle screw, which people are more familiar with. I can't find any documentation or advice anywhere online on how to adjust those screws.UPDATE: Since I first started writing this, I discovered that a dirty fuel tank and absent fuel filter has been the culprit, just clogging my freshly cleaned carburetor. I am now in the middle of cleaning that and have a filter on order (but of course it isn't one that is built for this, I am just taking a gamble that it could work with just minor modification).
The chainsaw came capable of running if fuel was squirted into the carburetor, but it wasn't getting any fuel from the fuel tank. When I bought it, I was told it just needed a carb rebuild. I bought the carb rebuild kit, and went to work inspecting it. I found that it actually had completely rotten and broken fuel lines. The line that went from the fuel tank to the carb was broken just barely inside the tank. The line that comes from the engine to provide the fuel pump pulse was completely broken at both fittings. I replaced those fuel lines while waiting on the carburetor rebuild kit to come (backordered), which was really difficult because the fuel line was actually a bit too big for the holes in the fuel tank, but I got it done, and then had very sore hands and fingers for the next week. When I reassembled it, I was able to get it running right away! It seemed like it didn't need the carb rebuild after all. But after I ran it through its paces, it wouldn't stay running at idle. I feel like it is the fuel supply control screws, but I don't know how to adjust them, since there is a high, low, and idle screws. I understand that the high screw is for high RPMs, but do I adjust the low or idle screw first of the two, and how do I need to have the other screw adjusted while adjusting the first one? Once again, I don't have the proper education to know how to finish this project as it stands. Furthermore, the chain on it doesn't match what the user manual says it should be. I don't know if that is okay or not. I don't know if I would ruin bigger parts that may be unreplace-able if I continue to run the same chain, but the bar matches the chain, so replacing the chain would require replacing the bar. And is it possible that the sprocket was also already replaced to match the new chain's size? I don't know who I could really take it to for a proper suggestion, and I bet they would want money from me for the advice. UPDATE: I took the plunge and rebuilt the carburetor (without removing the press-in plugs), and did just a minor adjustment on the idle screw, and it runs just fine now, so the only problem to sort out is the chain size.
There are a few other things too that are smaller hobbies or I just feel like I am failing at.
I have a cast-iron skillet that I like to use but I burnt something on it and felt like I had ruined the seasoning, so I did some thorough research and stripped it and began reseasoning it, but I am only half way through the seasoning layers, and I keep forgetting to take time to continue that early enough in the day to wait for the 1 hour bake time to finish.
While the bench grinder works very well, it still wobbles, has crappy tool rests, is missing one of the face shields, and the stones have never been trued back up. And I am starting to really want a second one that I could put a wire wheel and buffer wheel on for cleaning up projects.
Our pool never got maintenance done on it at all this season, and S suggested I drain it, clean it, and take it down and store it until she is done with school, which I agree with, but just don't have motivation to start.
I haven't stirred my compost at all this year, and my cherry tree has several branches that must be pruned off before the next growing season or I am going to end up with only half a tree.
The grass has some serious problems with it, and I don't know how to fix it.
The riding lawn mower needs an oil change and the blades need sharpened, which takes more time as well. I should actually convert it from lawn mower to snow blower now too, but once again, takes time and I am unmotivated.
I have a large pile of wood that I need to remove a few nails out of, lop off the ends and stack until they finish drying so I can make it into a table and other great things with.
I have a large pile of firewood that I just need to split and stack properly.
The basement is getting dirty and disorganized, and I need to get started reorganizing it.
I still don't know how to properly weatherproof the house, so we have cracks in both the front, side, and back doors.
I still haven't finished my project that I started a long time ago to add more electrical outlets into the garage.
The doorbell doesn't work every single time the button is pressed. The doorbell's motion sensors keep picking up cars on the road, and when a pedestrian walks up to the house, it tends to only record the video just as that person is leaving the frame.
The digital antenna that I had originally installed in my attic which still couldn't pick up any channels still needs to be installed on the roof.
I am 8 years behind on some online military training that I need to get going on.
I haven't been keeping up on my language for the military, and I am overdue on the language proficiency test that they require annually.
I haven't worked out properly lately.
My bicycle is making clicking sounds/feeling as I ride it on my bike trainer. I can't figure out how to get my bike trainer consistently level.
I should be paying the bills.
It keeps going.
I am just so overwhelmed with things right now. I feel like I am failing at everything because I either don't have the time, motivation, or knowledge, or a combination of those. I really don't know what to do to help me feel better about any of this. I know that taking things one step at a time is crucial, but first I need to prioritize those steps, and it is too late at night right now so I am just way too tired to think of it. I probably need to work out a balance between things I want to do and need to do, and organize the steps that way. I will start on that tomorrow, hopefully.
Yours truly,
Silent Care
Sure, part of it is probably related to my frustration about how little time I have been able to spend working on my hobbies because of my caregiver status, and because I am the only person in the entire house who isn't currently in school (remember, S is in PA school). But I would say that most of my frustration is that I have taken on hobbies that education for improving those hobbies is scarce. And also because I just don't have anyone truly knowledgeable about them who I can turn to when my knowledge is lacking.
I really want to learn, and become good at it, maybe even a pro or expert. I can see the possibility of future side money in it if I get better at it. But getting there has caused me to even withhold engaging in those hobbies, because of how much of a failure I have felt lately. Let me introduce you to the lineup.
I really like buying things for super cheap that either don't work or work just okay, and fix them up and get them back into service. I have been extremely successful with this, including an air compressor, a pressure washer, a corded drill, a circular saw, a riding lawn mower, two push-mowers, a 4-wheeler, a table saw, and a propane grill. I also recently disassembled, cleaned and rebuilt a bench grinder (it worked, but had been smoked around and needed extensive cleaning). I recently got a small outboard motor that I hope to add to my boat when I get it running reliably. I also recently got a pretty good sized chainsaw so I no longer have to borrow a neighbor's. I will come back to these in a bit.
I really like Halloween, and I have even began making my own special effects. I have made a grill-monster, which opens and closes by itself , breathes smoke, has glowing red eyes, which open, close, dilate, and contract, and it makes growling noises. I combined all of those effects into one Raspberry Pi, and I wrote the code for the program itself, with pressure plate and motion sensors. I located plans online for controlling the pneumatic cylinder in a way that is useful to the prop, and built an interface device that is known as a 'Haunt Air Manager' (or HAM), which included re-purposing old green propane cylinders among other things. I have made a haunted maze in my garage for the last 3 years, and I am sure the local teens will be looking forward to that in just a few weeks.
I have a sailboat, that is extremely unique, and very versatile. I have big plans for it.
But first, there are some significant hurdles to get past in all of these hobbies (and more). Let's start with the freshest problem. I have surgery just a week before Halloween, so I won't be doing any of the usual Halloween activities this year. I feel like I am letting our local teenagers and other daring youths and adults down. And then the cast-iron lid of the grill-monster has cracks at the hinges from being opened too forceful by the pneumatic cylinder, so I can't continue using it. The opening and closing of the eyes still doesn't work correctly. I have been given advice on how to fix that, but just haven't gotten started with it. The program needs some tweaks, and I am also not satisfied with how the hardware is all set up underneath the grill. I really don't think I can fix the cracks in the lid, so I will have to start with a new grill, which I could reinforce in advance, or scrap it entirely.
Also, some of the other Halloween special effects that I would like to create/combine have proven to be a bit out of reach for my knowledge level.
The boat is as awesome as it has always been, but I broke something on it the last time I used it, and it is just a few months out of warranty. To just replace the part would be $350, which is outrageous, but I have been struggling with getting a claim through a warranty extension. Also, I want to build an outboard motor mount for my sail boat (it doesn't come with one), but I am worried about over-stressing the boat and tearing holes in it (rotomolded plastic), and I also don't know how to weld, so I need to learn that. I also don't have a welder, which clearly doesn't help. I bought new anchors for the boat, but still haven't finished splicing the rope together, or installing the anchor trolley that I bought for the anchors. I still don't have a sea anchor, though, so I can only hold the boat in one place as long as it isn't too deep.
I want to use the boat for on-water camping, but I still haven't figured out the best set-up for that, and when we tried that earlier this year, I just couldn't trust it so we just camped on the lakeside. I also still don't have many of the safety devices and other equipment that I should have if I want to use it for a long trip or in the ocean. I am just not where I want to be with that.
The outboard motor I bought for the boat is an old 1949 boat motor, and almost none of the parts can be replaced. It runs, but not reliably, and it was leaking fuel from all of the fittings in the carburetor until recently. I had already rebuilt the carburetor and cleaned and regreased everything, so I just couldn't understand why it wasn't running reliably still. Also, I don't know how to adjust the fuel screws properly, since it only has two screws, one being the idle screw, whereas other carburetors have a low, high, and idle screw, which people are more familiar with. I can't find any documentation or advice anywhere online on how to adjust those screws.UPDATE: Since I first started writing this, I discovered that a dirty fuel tank and absent fuel filter has been the culprit, just clogging my freshly cleaned carburetor. I am now in the middle of cleaning that and have a filter on order (but of course it isn't one that is built for this, I am just taking a gamble that it could work with just minor modification).
The chainsaw came capable of running if fuel was squirted into the carburetor, but it wasn't getting any fuel from the fuel tank. When I bought it, I was told it just needed a carb rebuild. I bought the carb rebuild kit, and went to work inspecting it. I found that it actually had completely rotten and broken fuel lines. The line that went from the fuel tank to the carb was broken just barely inside the tank. The line that comes from the engine to provide the fuel pump pulse was completely broken at both fittings. I replaced those fuel lines while waiting on the carburetor rebuild kit to come (backordered), which was really difficult because the fuel line was actually a bit too big for the holes in the fuel tank, but I got it done, and then had very sore hands and fingers for the next week. When I reassembled it, I was able to get it running right away! It seemed like it didn't need the carb rebuild after all. But after I ran it through its paces, it wouldn't stay running at idle. I feel like it is the fuel supply control screws, but I don't know how to adjust them, since there is a high, low, and idle screws. I understand that the high screw is for high RPMs, but do I adjust the low or idle screw first of the two, and how do I need to have the other screw adjusted while adjusting the first one? Once again, I don't have the proper education to know how to finish this project as it stands. Furthermore, the chain on it doesn't match what the user manual says it should be. I don't know if that is okay or not. I don't know if I would ruin bigger parts that may be unreplace-able if I continue to run the same chain, but the bar matches the chain, so replacing the chain would require replacing the bar. And is it possible that the sprocket was also already replaced to match the new chain's size? I don't know who I could really take it to for a proper suggestion, and I bet they would want money from me for the advice. UPDATE: I took the plunge and rebuilt the carburetor (without removing the press-in plugs), and did just a minor adjustment on the idle screw, and it runs just fine now, so the only problem to sort out is the chain size.
There are a few other things too that are smaller hobbies or I just feel like I am failing at.
I have a cast-iron skillet that I like to use but I burnt something on it and felt like I had ruined the seasoning, so I did some thorough research and stripped it and began reseasoning it, but I am only half way through the seasoning layers, and I keep forgetting to take time to continue that early enough in the day to wait for the 1 hour bake time to finish.
While the bench grinder works very well, it still wobbles, has crappy tool rests, is missing one of the face shields, and the stones have never been trued back up. And I am starting to really want a second one that I could put a wire wheel and buffer wheel on for cleaning up projects.
Our pool never got maintenance done on it at all this season, and S suggested I drain it, clean it, and take it down and store it until she is done with school, which I agree with, but just don't have motivation to start.
I haven't stirred my compost at all this year, and my cherry tree has several branches that must be pruned off before the next growing season or I am going to end up with only half a tree.
The grass has some serious problems with it, and I don't know how to fix it.
The riding lawn mower needs an oil change and the blades need sharpened, which takes more time as well. I should actually convert it from lawn mower to snow blower now too, but once again, takes time and I am unmotivated.
I have a large pile of wood that I need to remove a few nails out of, lop off the ends and stack until they finish drying so I can make it into a table and other great things with.
I have a large pile of firewood that I just need to split and stack properly.
The basement is getting dirty and disorganized, and I need to get started reorganizing it.
I still don't know how to properly weatherproof the house, so we have cracks in both the front, side, and back doors.
I still haven't finished my project that I started a long time ago to add more electrical outlets into the garage.
The doorbell doesn't work every single time the button is pressed. The doorbell's motion sensors keep picking up cars on the road, and when a pedestrian walks up to the house, it tends to only record the video just as that person is leaving the frame.
The digital antenna that I had originally installed in my attic which still couldn't pick up any channels still needs to be installed on the roof.
I am 8 years behind on some online military training that I need to get going on.
I haven't been keeping up on my language for the military, and I am overdue on the language proficiency test that they require annually.
I haven't worked out properly lately.
My bicycle is making clicking sounds/feeling as I ride it on my bike trainer. I can't figure out how to get my bike trainer consistently level.
I should be paying the bills.
It keeps going.
I am just so overwhelmed with things right now. I feel like I am failing at everything because I either don't have the time, motivation, or knowledge, or a combination of those. I really don't know what to do to help me feel better about any of this. I know that taking things one step at a time is crucial, but first I need to prioritize those steps, and it is too late at night right now so I am just way too tired to think of it. I probably need to work out a balance between things I want to do and need to do, and organize the steps that way. I will start on that tomorrow, hopefully.
Yours truly,
Silent Care
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